JS Tip 536: Using Conversational Language

We’re talking about conversational language: The language we use when we talk with a friend. 

A good friend shared a writing example:

This office requests that a company/corporation official read the attached draft/proposed Plan Review with Recommended Approval Order Conditions. If this person does not understand or does not agree with the conditions, the review engineer should be contacted within five days after receipt of the Plan Review. If this person agrees with the Plan Review and Recommended Approval Order Conditions, this person should sign below and return (FAX # 123-456-7890) within 10 days after receipt of the conditions. If the review engineer is not contacted within 10 days, the review engineer shall assume that the company/corporation official agrees with this Plan Review and will process the Plan Review towards final approval. A public comment period will be required before the Approval Order can be issued. (124 words)

We played with the original. We tried to imagine how we’d say this if we were talking with a friend: 

Please read the attached draft review:

• If you don’t understand or don’t agree with the draft, let us know within five days.

• If you agree with the draft, sign it and fax it to us (123 456 7890) within ten days.

• If we don't hear from you within ten days, we’ll assume you agree with the draft, and we’ll process the draft for final approval.

The process will require a public comment period before we can approve the review. (76 words)

What do you think? Does the rewrite capture the intent of the original? Is anything important missing?

Let us know your thoughts. 

We love this stuff.